Jul 30, 2010

Different way of life

I’m not a bad woman, or a super feminist, or a modern lady, very against family and procreation. I do too want to become a mother some day, create a family. I have a lovely family and I believe that I cannot spend my life in solitude; families are a nice thing, a home, peace, rest, love. And yet there is so much more to life than settling down and procreation. There is much more than love and relationships for life. I’m not just talking about career and intellectual achievement; I’m talking about exploring the rest there is to life.
The routine doesn’t teach you anything but what you will do the next day. The routine is a system of rituals guided by a manual of social rules and norms, which you follow out of learning and habit. Waking up, showering, drinking coffee, putting on make-up, clothes, and doing your hair, catch the bus, go to work, see the same streets, listen to the same talk, engage in the same talk, open your computer, check your e-mail, have the daily match with your boss, have your lunch and conversation about the same things again with colleagues, call clients, come up with new projects, finish up projects, check the sales, get the paycheck, spend the paycheck, go to a coffee shop, engage in the same small talk, go shopping, buy the latest fashion, buy another pair of glasses in the streets, go to a coffee shop, engage in a similar again conversation, go to a club, get drunk and flirt and sleep with a stranger and pretend nothing happened, or meet the love of your life without even knowing what the hell the other is saying because the music is so damn loud that you don’t even know whether you’re going to have functional ears when you get out of there anymore. Go home. Sleep. End. Begins. Wake up, shower……
The routine doesn’t give you anything new, and before you know it, you are reliving the same day over and over and over and over and over, endless déjà vu , a terrible joke on your life. You live your life religiously by doing the same things, and you do not even know that you are following the same pattern.
I am not a terrible person. I love cute babies too, and I’m happy for my friends, colleagues, or family getting married and procreating and I do believe that they are really happy. I am not a mother, but I am a daughter, and I do know how much my mother and my father love me. I think that is a very beautiful thing, and I want it someday too. What I am really angry and frustrated about, is the constant questioning, of why I am not doing the same as my friends, settling down with a nice guy and making a bunch of babies so that my parents can be freaking happy. I tell you why. It is because people are not the same, and I am not the same with those of my friends. I do not want to get engaged, or married now, and I don’t give a damn if I’ll be sixty years old when my kids go to college. I want to live my life, and see the world and experience the beauty I’m always missing in the routine, and by living the same town every day. Before I give the relay to my lovely kids, I need to experience my own things, or else I’ll become one of those parents, like my own who always live to please their children, and always worry about their children, and live through their children. It’s normal to see your child as a part of you, and I think one day I’ll do that too. I do not want to procreate so that I can live through their lives, experience through them what I couldn’t get myself, and that is exactly what I think it will happen if I am not fulfilled.
I do not criticize the new fiancées, and wives and mothers, and I wish them happiness from my heart, I really do believe they’re happy. But I’m seriously tired of hearing constantly that I should do the same, and that I cannot be happy if I don’t do the same. I’m not a revolutionary, I just want to follow my own wind, live my life at my own pace, and believe it or not, I am happy.
It is such a small town for being a capital, and it is such a small country, and with such small minded people even though the luxury of life in stores and clubs doesn’t give that impression. So I probably will always be misunderstood here in this town. And yet I do not hate this town, I just want to experience another town, other people, other existences, other ways of life, not necessarily better but just different. Let’s say, the latent anthropologist in me needs this.

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