Sep 18, 2012

I don't believe in anything anymore

There was a time I believed in things. There were these stories and this knowledge and understanding of things that it didn't need questioning. Those times I used to be happier.

I believed in some sort of God that ruled over us all. I believed that my grandparents were ghosts who came to visit and look upon us from time to time. I believed that there was no reason not to believe that there was, or could have been a Santa, or at least I went with the story in Miracle in 34th street. When I watched that movie, the new version, and the argument that Santa was real was proven by showing a dollar bill where it was written in God we trust, saying that we don't see God and still we believe in him, why not believe in Santa, I agreed with the argument. Today I think the opposite of what that argument tried to prove, that believing in God is as ridiculous as believing in Santa, instead of believing in Santa is as rational as believing in God. I don't think I believed in Santa, or even in God for that matters. I just used to think that those things were true, the things that people talked about to be true. I didn't think critically over the "facts of life" that were injected in my little brain from the moment I was born, by family, society, and mum TV. The Italian television with all the God and Christian obsessiveness helped a lot too. My world was not the real world, but the world I saw on the telly. I believed in things I saw on TV, or at least I made myself believe in those things. 

Romantic films, Disney fairy tales, even Sailor Moon and the person she loved, all made me believe that there is such a thing as a soul mate. Till recently a few years ago, I read a Paulo Coehlo book, Brida, and I believed in the idea of life and the universe being connected, and love being magical, and soul mates, and life and after life. When I was a kid my favorite shows were the Charmed Ones, that made me love witches, and I waited for the time I'd get my charm, my powers (even if it wasn't a real belief, just an imagination to make life interesting), and Rosewell, waiting for the aliens among us to show me a world of very advanced powers that the humans will after centuries and millennia be able to have as well. I loved to think about magic, and powers, and soul mates, and all the interesting supernatural things. I was rational from an early age, always questioning who is God, and where does he come from, and if he has a mother, where does she come from, how big is the universe, and if the universe has an end how many other universes there are; if they are infinite, what is the meaning of it all, what was there before there was life. I made these questions from a very early age, and these questions would keep me up at night. No wonder I became a depressive (not depressed) but really dark kind of emo, before emo was invented. I did question my reality, and my injected beliefs, but I liked to believe that there was connectedness, and there was something in the air because of music, Christmas decorations, a connectedness between me and the green trees and plants, a connection between all of us together and with the earth. I believed in "all is one, and one is all" law of the universe. I believed in balance. And I believed in purpose for it all, in a meaning, in an end, in some sort of meant-to-be, and determinism of existence. I believed that my future was full of things that were to happen and my life was full of something bigger than me, bigger than life. Or at least I let myself dwell in imagination, and believing, as to me all of this fantasy, irrational explanation, fantastic explanation, going one grade over what can be understood, was like music, like air, and I couldn't live without it. 

Today, I have stopped believing. I don't believe in anything anymore. I haven't believed that there is a God, or any kind of Godly entity in a long time, and I don't pray to any such thing, nor do I hope for its existence. I don't care about that. I can live with my death. I know I will die, I know my loved ones will die, but I can live with that. I can accept my mortality; without extensive fear. I can accept my mortality and I do not need to lie to myself about the existence of life after death. I can accept that there is no meaning or purpose and I can live without the idea of a systematic, organized universe with a center called God. I can accept and live with my loneliness, having the knowledge that we are all born alone and we all die alone as Grandma Death in Donnie Darko had said to Donnie, and I don't need to cling to the idea, that there is someone out there for everyone, a soul mate, someone meant for me so that I can't be alone. I can live with my loneliness, so I don't need to further lie to myself about the idea of the existence of such a thing. 

I can live with the idea that all will end, that all has no purpose, that I am alone. I can live with all of that as I discovered after demolishing all of the towers of fantasy, imagination and beliefs, all the childhood and adult fairytales that I used to have and most people still have I have learned to live without them, and frankly I do not need them. I do not believe anymore in anything that goes beyond an explanation of facts proven and reproven. I have no ecstatic moment of high realization of something bigger floating around me. I know that everytime there is a feeling, it's all chemical, hormonal. I know there is a reason for everything even when science has yet to explain it. I don't believe in magic anymore. Magic has completely died in me. I am empty. 

If I could gain it all back, if I could one more time experience the magic of letting myself go in the big sea, and feel my body float and be transported by the waves of stories of beginning and end, and culminating middle, if I could find that appendix I have surgically cut out of my existence, I wouldn't, I don't want it, it's unnecessary. 

I am nostalgic of what I used to believe in. I am nostalgic of the sweetness of naivety  and I am nostalgic of faith, of magic. But that doesn't mean that I want any of that back, I have learned to live with truth, I have by myself killed the dragon, and come out of the tower, and the world isn't as I pictured, but it IS, and that is enough. 

I wonder what I will do when I have kids of my own. Will I teach them something to believe in, knowing that they will lose it like I did, or teach them just the truth, knowing that they will never experience the sweetness of ignorance? I don't know, really. I like being rational and I would certainly love my offsprings to be rational as well, but being rational is lonely, and empty and sad. 

I don't believe in anything anymore, and that might seem quite depressive if it wasn't for the fact that we are so primitive as a civilization, and there is so much unknown that you can never be bored. I will replace my immortality with the infinite knowledge, because there is so much to know and to discover that there is no end to it, till the moment my physical body will be unable to give my brain the ability to function and work and absorb all the knowledge out there. I will replace my divine purpose with my chosen aim and goal to achieve what I want, and do what I like, and live the day as I want it to be lived. I will replace my soul mate with the unending will to meet new people, and love new people, and experience new experiences, and the freedom to say hello, and goodbye, and be in constant movement. Being unable to believe is not the end of the world. I don't believe in anything anymore, but this opens new doors to me and my future, doors that the fog of magic and stories, and faith were occluding. 

I don't believe in anything anymore, but I am alive, so I might as well do something with it!

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