Dec 26, 2012
Sometimes I just think and believe it in my very bones, that nothing, absolutely nothing that surrounds me is real. My memories seem so fake, as if someone planted them in my head this very morning. I used to be a little child being happy when my dad brought me chocolate after he came back from work, and so extremely sad for the loss of a coffee cup, I accidentally broke. I remember when I used to be so happy in the end of the year time, with Christmas and this incredible Santa Claus films coming up, believing so badly that Santa must exist, while knowing that he doesn’t. I used to be so happy and couldn’t wait to use my gifts, and to be fresh and new from the January 1st. I can remember the smell of roses in the pages of my first diary that was given to me in the New Years of so many and many years ago. And the contest to stay up the latest, because the New Years was the only night we could stay up as much as we wanted. And watching so many movies on the telly the very next day. And the funny sketches put on for our family pleasure that very night waiting for the New Year. And the ample table with the best foods and the best drinks to make us fuller than ever. And the family sitting all together eating the leftovers on January 1st in the morning, near noon time. And the house so clean and beautiful with the Christmas decorations, and best tablecloths and carpets reserved only for that time of the year. Oh those memories, are they really mine? I feel as if I saw them in a film some time ago, but mine they do not feel at all.
People I loved, I’ve kissed, I’ve laid with, were they really real, because it really feels as if they never ever were in my life, but in a Dark City kind of conspiracy they were implanted on me this very morning. I don’t feel a thing, nothing at all. I am here, the most bored I’ve ever been in my entire life, for the first time feeling nothing but nothingness, expecting the new year without expectations, knowing that it will all be shitty just the same, that poor children will still be dying of cold and hunger, and junkies, and alcoholics, and sick people, and poor people will be discriminated against just the same, and there will still be wars, and still teenagers killing themselves for them, and there will still be fucking politicians breeding us for the next election and/or war just like cattle, and there will be religious people using religion to feel better than others, and hate and discriminate and torture their brothers, and there will be haters, and there will be sickness, and there will be death, and there will be Nicki Minajes and there will be crappy films that make so much money at the box office, and there will be crappy books read, and good books unread, and people going number and number in the TV and internet era, forgetting about love and emotions, going numb with the latest technology, going robotic, Orwell fashion, and there will be just pain, and numbness which is worst than pain.
Fuck it all, I’m just sitting here knowing that the next year will be just as fucked up as this one was. Knowing that there will be no more humanity and we’re losing it all every time a new Apple product comes out, and every time a new shitty film and artist makes billions and trillions. And we’re sitting here thinking how we just escaped another apocalypse while I think we’re all floating heads in a bleak universe and some genies are sucking our blood dry as we are hypnotized by the new marketed sensation. And I’m sitting here thinking how much we have devolved. How there is so much sex but no love. How not even drugs or alcohol can do the trick anymore to create an illusion that we’re humans. We’re not humans at all. We’re just robots being created one by one, androids for the next generation’s war, and the next generation poisoned breed. We pass the poison from blood to blood, and we don’t even see this virus that has killed the homo sapiens in us. A next beer, a next hangover, a next apple product, and a next child dying from starvation, and we don’t feel it, or know it. Heroin is our little youtube videos, and films, and natural pastimes that make us forget the reality of the pain within us and outside of us.
And I’m sitting here thinking what’s next knowing how my soul is turned to gangrene little by little, feeling the cancer multiply and take little by little what’s left of my ability to feel. As I was a child once, but I don’t remember, and I don’t even think that there are children today. We killed the child in the child and the child in ourselves. We who? The society, the governments, aliens, who fucking cares, conspiracy theories they are all bullshit. Does it matter where the evil comes from, when the true problem is that it has already well implanted itself on our very blood, on our DNA and it multiplies like spores. It’s poison this reality we built for ourselves of fake friendships and material loves. Everything is marketable, even your mother and father that brought you to this fucked up hell of an earth. Everything is for sale, everything can have a cute little label of advertising on it, as long as you sell another piece of your soul to get it. You think the 70s youth was poisoned with drugs? Heroin and cocaine and LSD and whatever was passing out for a cure back then, in the era of “Make love not war”, while passing on the weed, while leaving the events happens as they would, all those poisons were nothing in comparison to the fat, gangrenous, cancerous, fake sugared poisons of a consumerist life we live today. Bits and pieces of decaying skin and bones fall out from our burned out souls. In the conveyer line of meaningless jobs, we fill up the visas in one stop and go piss it all in the toilet of some new Walmart or Apple Store. We’re worse than the decadent era, or the Lost Generation, we’re worse than our Communist robotized parents. We are so convinced of our freedom of choice, but as George Carlin said, to paraphrase, is that we have so many choices for things that do not matter when nothing is left on us to decide on things that do. We’re dying out as a race. An evil witch is feeding us with candy while warming up the stove where she will cook us crispy. We’re food, and we are willingly going towards the wolf’s mouth.
And as I’m sitting here, listening to music nobody ever listens to anymore, at least in this shitty place where I live in they try to call a town, I’m sure nobody will ever listen, nobody will ever care, nobody will ever read, the last laments and rage and rants of the last romantic burned out and lost and decayed, waiting for the final years of running against the Nazi line, trying not to get caught as much in the spider net, trying to escape knowing that the end is near. I know we all have too much to lose, too much candy in our teeth to see the stove burning our sister and brother next to us. Pupils shrinking as a last shot of the buy or die heroin spikes into our veins, as poetic Lou would say, we become corpses, zombies walking on this earth as a very bitter memory of what we used to be, of what we could have been. We are the men and women who sold the world, that is what our generation will be remembered as.
As our tables are ample with foods and drinks and joy of more stuff we do not actually need maybe some of us feel guilty enough to give a little something to that little beggar, or give gift cards for a charity to our friends instead of a present, knowing very well that the very next day we’ll go about our business. All new shiny technology we live today, a cure for the sickness of our earth, we used it all to satisfy our endless greed, and numb our humanity. The earth is less than half a glass empty. And as I am sitting here decaying just the same I contemplate about the last years of humanity on Earth, I contemplate about our generation, that will be known as the last link of evolution, the generation that could have had it all, but it sold itself for the last shot of poison, the generation that atrophied, the generation that overdosed the human out of us. I contemplate about the end of days, not in the biblical sense, in a much worse way. Well you wanted your Zombie apocalypse Internet Dudes, but the damn thing is here, it’s been here for quite some time with us. We are the generation of the apocalypse of the human soul. Humanism is dead. This is the end, my only friend, the end…