Whether it is our genetic material predetermining parts of the ingredients cooking up our personalities or the place and time, and social environment we've been thrown in, or our choices and decisions without a clue of the outcomes that we make, we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere on this earth, still clueless as to what we're doing here.
Some ponder the meaning of life, some search for spirituality, others for material well being, others for large social networks, some search for knowledge, and maybe some search for all of these things. We're always exploring, searching, trying to get out of the suits we've been given, and attempting to define them ourselves. Always trapped in the prisons of our own bodies. Married to our own body suits, we can never escape until death do us part.
Because we can't remove our human suits, until we die. We are given limitations within our genes, and our personalities and our intelligence, and our social position, and our chances in life, and we are can't possibly escape them. Or can we?
We're all actors playing the roles we've been given, trying to improvise and develop a story of our own and questioning everything we do, and everything we are, and the purpose and meaning of it all.
Am I good or bad? Am I selfish or giving? Do I deserve people's kindness, or am I just a horrible person? Are people around me good or bad? Are they selfish or giving? Do they deserve my kindness or not? What should I do in this world, should I work on me, or the others? Should I find a way to change the world into a better place or find a way to adapt in it and play the role I was given? I seek the answers of what I should be doing, but nobody offers a clear solution. Everyone who offers a revolution could be just as wrong as people in the past.
My professor used to say, those who offer a revolution, want to kill half of the people to save the rest. I've been watching The Americans lately, a TV show about the Cold War. Both sides, The American spies and The Russian spies think that they are the good guy, and they make so many sacrifices of innocent lives to make the world a better place, according to the ideas of freedom, or equality on the different sides of the argument.
But I don't want that kind of change. I want a peaceful change where people can have more equal opportunities, where there's less war, and I want a slow change of people growing to accept this change on their own, in understanding that it is better for the planet and for all of us if we share our resources. A resource based economy . A better future for us all. But nobody offers tangible solutions to achieve this either.
So then as some say, "I wanted to change the world, but I decided that I can only change myself" and then I did decide that too. I tried to be a better person. I tried to work hard, thinking that when I achieve those goals, when I get some power, when I become a person of some power I can affect more change in the world. I can help more people. But I'm powerless. I was born in a family that worked their whole lives so much, but never had any power, any connections, and I'm still that person. Do we ever escape our castes? And if we do, then there's the conundrum: To reach the steps into the high pyramid, you must make a sacrifice and light the weight from your principles, and always leave something behind, always compromise, so that when you reach the top, you can become just like them. When you reach the top you will have made so many sacrifices to your own principles, that you're not the person who wanted to change the world anymore, you're just like one of them.
There's this story I was told as a kid, about the three brothers sent for a quest by their Father King. The first one was lost, the second one was lost, but the third one had more principles, and was a better guy, so he always returned and completed the quest. But that's a fairy-tale, it's not reality. All those good men and women who go for the quest to reach the top of the golden pyramid get lost, and never return. They like it too much on the top to change things for those in the bottom. So there you have it, the answer to my parents of why I never wanted to be in the corporate world or become a politician. You can never change things from the inside.
I'm searching and searching inside of me and outside. How should I best live my life? I'm trapped in this body suit, this role, and even these ideas, and I'm looking for the best ways to complete my quest. I need a purpose, and I do have one, but I still have no clue how to achieve it. And I find the world so confusing at times, and I find myself lost, because I know I want to be of help, and yet I don't know how.
There are those who act without thinking and end up drowning in the river, and there are those who think too much and never leave the shore. I just need to find the middle ground. I just need to find the balance.
One of these days I'll find my boat. I need to find my boat and leave the shore.