Feb 4, 2015

Facebook Couple Profiles and the Main Reasons Why We Should Absolutely Loathe Them

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and the author takes no responsibility for hurt feelings, because it’s the job of the writer to personally make all of their family, friends and acquaintances hate the writer for being honest on paper about how weird they are, while a hypocrite just like everybody else in person. 

In 2012 Facebook launched something the merely thought of which makes me cringe to my bones which is called Couples Facebook Pages. In these pages couples can basically track their relationships and tell the world, look how freaking happy we are (cringe). Facebook people insist on sharing information that no one of their friends wants to read while they're pursuing the international procrastinating fun time.

Some keep sharing baby pictures to a nauseating extent. I’m not a baby hater, so I do like one baby picture or two of the spawn of the people I actually care about, but there are some crazos who apart from not understanding the dangers of publicizing your child too much on social media, love to annoy their friends to death with updates about their children’s lives every available second of the day. Your child went poopoo on the toilet? Why do I have to know about that? And for our sanity's sake, your child is not a model, so stop dressing them up like adults and asking me to like their Facebook baby photo contest pictures.

Then there’s those who constantly share the turned single to turned in a relationship, to turned single back again status. Please update us when you are actually sure you are in a relationship, not the first time you shtoopped they guy. I know people on Facebook who have their relationship status private, because how complicated one's love/sex life is, it's none of their friends business, unless it is to proclaim that the On Sale sign is now off for probably good, or for a long while.

And then there’s those who share incredibly depressing photos of people whose lives apparently will be saved if we like the photo. Dear friends, for the last freaking time, that’s a scam. I know you have a good heart but stop spamming my homepage with pictures of sad and sick children.

But nothing annoying aforementioned really compares to how much any of us should be loathing those annoying Facebook Couple Profiles. These couples aren’t satisfied with the idea of having a Facebook Page about their couplehood (because who is actually going to like that page) but they actually force their mutual friends to sit through the friending of an unidentified blob of an identity which is called The Couple. Not only do I really loathe these profiles and the mere knowledge that they exist out there, and in my list of friends, but I also care enough to write about it and insist on why should everybody else hate them too. I'm giving you three compelling reasons, so hear me out:

Who the hell am I talking too?

The main reason why we should all boycott these profiles is because it’s just too confusing. So you both share an email address and a password and sign in on this profile you share, but how am I to know who I am speaking too? I’d love to ask something to my friend, but then her boyfriend will read that message on the inbox later. When I am writing to you, when you are liking my pictures, when I’m inviting you to an event, which one of you guys am I actually reacting too? I have no idea…Stop confusing us with this lack of concise identity and get your own separate profile.

I really don’t want to be FBFs with your fellow

Dear friend who insists on creating a couple profile, I really don’t want to be Facebook friends with your other half (cringe). I know you're very happy in your relationship, but I care to interact with you as you. Why do you insist on making me part of your relationship and force their Facebook friendship on me? I don’t know them. Never met them. Don’t care about the stupid cat pictures or religious sermons that they post. When I accepted to be your real life friend, I didn’t sign up for this. I love you, I care about you, or I just want to stalk you because I know I won't see you until highschool reunion and want to compare my achievements to yours every day, but I don’t want to have any online relationship with that person you chose to spend your very uncomfortable relationship with. I didn’t sign up for this, just because you did.

The extremely uncomfortable shared identity of couplehood

Couples who share a Facebook profile. Couples who finish each other sentences (sandwiches #ArrestedDevelopment) #cringe. Couples who use the word We/Us/Our in every conversation: “We think you should get a boyfriend!” “We strongly recommend you try the creme brulee, it is to die for!” “The doctor told us we should get a vasectomy” Excuse me??? Where did your identity go? It all makes me think you share the same toothbrush and are attached to the hip like Siamese twins. I know you guys love each other and spend way too much time together, but dude, you’ve forgotten who you are outside of that relationship. You’re becoming part of a blob and this is making me not want to hang out with you anymore. It’d be much more fun and less creepy to hang out with someone who has a Multiple Personality Disorder, rather than two people who think they’re one person. It’s just too much. Get some nail polish and remove the glue you've used to attach your butts together, and be a human again.

And to conclude, guys, I’m sure your other half (cringe) will not get jealous of you because you have a Facebook profile, if that's the reason you don't have a personal profile, but a shared one. Facebook hasn’t been a dating social app, in like, ever. We all use it to constantly compare our lives with people we were naturally supposed to forget we actually met at one point, not to send a pheromone-heavy message of availability to the other or same sex. If they actually think that that that's the reason you want a personal Facebook profile, then it’s time for you to unglue that butt from that other half (cringe) and get a life of your own. Do us all a favor and keep your social media profiles separate, and be less cringeworthy. 


The Happily Singled

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